... yet again for more prayer?
This time it is for myself...

I'll be honest, the past few months have really taken their toll.
There's pressure with the band... and school (way too much homework- why do you think I am still awake? Two more papers due in just a few short hours)... and family- that one's probably the worst. My mom is always pressuring me to become what she thinks I should be and up until tonight, she has never challenged my darkness- just my ability to be a good mother! And now there's that... my brother decided to show her my myspace and she flipped at the line "I am darkness. I am light"... how do you really explain that to "normal" people??? (not that she is....)

And then there's guilt. Way, way too much guilt... and it is so difficult to explain because I am not ready to share with the world just where my heart has lain in the past two months... I fear the turns I am making for I have been down this road before... and I know enough to see where I very well could end up... but my heart clings tight and I fear unfaithfulness to myself to cut those ties... which would I rather lose? me or everything around me? Is it possible to be true to yourself and true to God at the same time?? I so wish I could explain... but I fear. I have already lost one friend with which I tried to speak to about all this, and he was one of my best friends for 8 years! It's so incredibly difficult, and it makes me feel so alone, when obviously I am not... losing my cell phone and my connections to a lot of people out there really did not help...

So yeah, I'm only now bouncing back from suicidal thoughts and the desire of the blade... both of which I wish would leave me alone for the rest of my life!!
And tomorrow is another day to face my dark desires... those rising fires in whose presence my heart melts...

OK... obviously I'm not doing so well keeping up with xanga... most of that this year has come from being without internet for the first coupla weeks. And then I have restarted school again, this time officially enrolled as a theatre major! It's awesome! Lots and lots of work.... and a lot more writing than even I had anticipated... although, yes, I am taking two awesome writing classes...
I'm finally into the playwriting class. It's actually the one class I can pretty much blame it all on. I couldn't take it before taking English 1A... And after taking English 1A, I realized I could stomach taking classes I wasn't really interested in, enough to actually go for a degree... when even one year before, I swore I'd never even go to college!
Right now I'm just going for my A.A., but with the way things are going, who knows where I'll actually end up?

Anyway, in the short of it all, I'm actually living my life my way for a change... or at least taking the necessary steps to. My unofficial New Year's resolution ("unofficial" because I iddn't set out to make a New Year's resolution, but realized my resolve for myself pretty much was one) is to be myself without repentance. I don't know how many of my friends have realized just what a struggle that has been! Which is so odd since so much of who I am today grew out of actually being myself without repenteance in my formative years of 12-14. I didn't really know who I was then, but I didn't wanna be someone else just because they wanted to be. I'm not entirely sure where I lost sight of that. Sadly, I think it was with TMM... although that's definitely not to say that experience was bad; there were good things I learned, too, though TMM itself isn't necessarily what taught it to me...
Ugh, long story short, I'm dressing more and more like myself (it will take a while to do it right because its not like I have the $$ for a whole new wardrobe!), and acting more and more like myself again... It's a difficult journey though because everyone's always fighting to make me like them... But those are things we can discuss later since I have taken way too much of your time already

-Death Child
crawling off the people-pleasing altar and climbing back onto the right one...

Man, I can't tell you how amazing it was to be able to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra last night! ....So much better than last time when you consider we got distant seats and I was sick... but even then I believed TSO to have the best show ever!!!
They have such amazing music, and their shows... if you've never seen one, you're really missing out!! You can check out videos online and all, but trust me, if you think those are amazing, you should try seeing it live!
And then we had floor seats at just about the perfect spot in the entire place! Almost center... Close enough that I could see faces on stage... with the sound/light guys right behind us (and right behind them, the place for the special pyros and suspended performances of the string mistress, one of the guitar players and the vocalist they call "the Queen of the Winter Night"... close enough to feel the heat from the pyro blasts!) Seriously, it was awesome!
And I had no idea how my baby would handle it (we went solo before, but this one is younger than Rhythm was when we last went so I didn't think it would be wise to leave him quite that long that late at night... especially with an ear infection... my parents would not have been able to handle him!)... he hated Smash Mouth! Of course, since then, he has also become a dancer. LOL I'm convinced he's gonna send the audience into laughter during the play because the scene he is in has music, and he dances to it during rehearsals! In short, he loved the show. Dancing like crazy and even got the sound guy smiling at him... The only thing we could have done without was the drunk chick sitting next to my husband. She kept standing up and yelling crap and she was even all over my husband and flirting with my baby at one point... Plus it was incredibly crowded (what a crowd this year!!!), but fortunately for us, some of our seat mates left before the end of the first half of the show even! Gave me space anyway...
Haha people were so worried about the baby, wondering how he handled the noise and all. He had earplugs that kept falling out and we noticed no difference in reaction to when they were in or not... Like we told a lot of them, he's kinda used to loud, rock music. Haha, if only we could have shows like TSO!!! Very simplistic bass lines for the most part, I'm convinced I could play them LOL.

Seriously can't wait for Night Castle to come out...